riding that estrogen wave

This is a 10 minute free write. Because 10 minutes is how long I had before the pool opened. 

I've come to love my cycle. It took me long enough. I appreciate the ebb and flow of energy the most. The big estrogen wave hit me this weekend. I went to bed early because I wanted to on Friday night and then got up early on Saturday and had run two errands by 9:00 am. I dumped stuff off at Goodwill that had been aggravating me and bought chicken food. (This also tens to be the time that I will dump off stuff in my head that has been bothering me. If I have a problem with someone I will talk to them about it. If I don't like the way I've been talking to myself, it gets corrected. ) I purchased a large piece of furniture for $25 at a yard sale. 8 hours and $90 of spray paint and new knobs later I had a brand new dining room hutch! I'm officially a grown up now. My kids are wondering where all these real plates and glasses came from. (I've been hiding them.)

What follows is an intense sense of urgency. I pray more fervently. I do not waste my time on pointless projects. My words are concise and intentional. The things will get done and God help you if you are standing between me and something that has been on my mind to be accomplished. 

I also appreciate the cave days as much as I am able to obey the need to close myself in and nurture myself. It usually involves Netflix and donuts and a bubble bath. For at least 2 hours. Mostly, I'm just caved up internally. Protective. I don't mind it. 

Then the progesterone days are my  nourishing days. I love everyone. So much. Especially my husband, because doggone it this uterus wants a baby. (Sorry, uterus. My hands cannot handle more babies even if you can.)

Like some young girls yearn for breasts and their period, I look forward to menopause. I know that there will be hot flashes. And I will wear tank tops and walk around braless and I wont care how much cellulite there is on my thighs!!!!! I will wear cutoffs in November and not even care. This is your warning. I will speak with purposeful clarity and authority because I will be old enough to know that whatever I am schooling you on is correct or I will keep my mouth shut. I will watch the youth make the mistakes they need to learn from, trust me. 

The Atlantic published a really interesting work on menopause here. I can't say the title because it involves a swear word and I think my mom might read this. I agree with most of the intention of this article. I have always said that when I have PMS I am really just acting as my true self. That woman inside who knows what she needs and isn't going to patronize others  with a smile and a nod. 

Time is up. If you like this, keep an eye out for our Here for the Donuts Podcast episode on PMS and period talk! 



All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:22-25 (MSG)

This is an intense time of year for those of us that feel it.

The inward groan. The trees feel it. The animals feel it. Humans can feel it if they are paying attention. The lazy lake days of summer give way to this in between time before the holidays set in, beginning with Halloween and ending with New Year's.

Each time I go out to my garden I expect to come back with empty hands. The plants are leaning heavy and laying on the ground as if to say, "Can we be done now? Haven't we given you enough?" And I feel it too. Somehow I fill my pockets with green beans, okra, eggplant, and flowers. The stalks of my okra plants are like small tree trunks, their roots run deep into the soil that I've cultivated for them.  And I know you might think it's silly, but I whisper a thank you as I pluck the fruit from the plants. Somehow I give a little more than I thought I could, too. My roots run deep, too.

Then I spy it. A seed pod. Those okras and beans that we left on the plants to grow larger and larger are now filled with seeds. They are large and dried out and ready to crack. These seeds will produce plants next summer but for now this okra has to wait. Pregnant and tired. Groaning.

Pregnant and tired and groaning. I've been literally pregnant and tired and groaning many times in this particular season of the year. I've been spiritually pregnant and tired and groaning before as well. And it only takes a couple times to recognize that feeling in your soul. 

I feel it now too. The aggravation of feeling expectant when you aren't sure what God has planted in you. The wisdom to know that it must be awesome and all you have to do is wait. 

Joyful expectancy. You get that right your first time because you have no idea what is coming. But a second, third, fourth time mama will tell you she is scared of those birth pangs. It's not the birth pangs that we look forward to, although in a way we do because it means that our pregnancy will be ended and new life will begin. 

So I join with creation in this season. I feel tired, and laid low, and spent. I'm a little bored, to be honest. I am anxious for new life and fruit. Soon the bustle of the Season of Gathering will distract me and before I know it birth pangs for the whole earth will be here and there it will be- summer harvest time. 

But for now, the earth groans. Do you hear it, too?