if you're pregnanct with three children

To be read in the same style as “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”…

If you’re pregnant with three children, they will surely devise every diabolical scheme they can to ensure that you never get enough sleep. Once they are sure that you are so tired your thoughts sound like fuzzy background noise in your head, they will set about eating exactly one half of all of your food portions. They will do this in small incremental ways so that you do not notice. When the midwife asks you if you’ve been eating at least 100 grams of protein a day, you will say, “Yes, I think so…” (Actually, you’ve only had about 50. Maybe.)

…they will also dump out the water from your water bottle when you are not looking or just drink it themselves, which means you haven’t actually had one gallon of water to drink today.

Because you haven’t been eating enough protein or drinking enough water, your ankles are going to get swollen to freaky weird proportions. You sit confused because you know that most of the time this swelling is totally preventable, and you’ve been taking all precautions to avoid it. You realize your feet are enormous and you should put them up for a minute, so you sit down on the couch and  prop them up. Rest assured, they will all three pile on your lap, completely cutting off circulation to your legs. 

You’ll start reading them a book, and one of them will declare they are hungry. Which will make you realize that you are hungry too. You’ll wonder how in the world you could be hungry when you just ate [half] of a bean burrito smothered in cheese and sour cream an hour ago and somehow consumed 32 ounces of water on top of that. You’ll forget all about your ankles and get up into the kitchen to fix a nice high protein dinner [which they will all eat half of when you aren't looking, or possibly just dump half onto the floor.] When you bend down to wipe your food off the floor, you’ll also find a puddle of water. Which will remind you that you are supposed to be drinking a gallon of water a day. You’ll start to look for your water bottle and find it empty. Under the couch. In another puddle of water. You’ll clean that mess up and refill your water bottle and return to the table where everyone has finished their dinner… and yours. 

You’ll suddenly realize how exhausted you are and look at the clock to see that it’s bedtime. In the course of brushing teeth, dressing, and hopping into bed, you will give them water [from your water bottle] about five times. 

Once every one is sleeping you’ll plop onto the couch with your [empty] water bottle and glance down at your enormously proportioned ankles and wonder why they could be so swollen. “This has never happened before!?” You will review in your mind what you’ve had to eat and drink that day and notice your empty water bottle. Sure that you must have had enough water, since you remember refilling it four times, and sure that you must have had enough protein, you reconcile that it must just be because you are so tired. Really, that’s all you can think about anyway. So, without fixing yourself a snack or getting anything to drink [because you know you've had plenty to eat and drink that day already] you go to bed… without brushing your teeth. 

Then your kids wake up at 5:30 the next morning because, let’s face it, this game gets even more fun the more sleepy Mamma is!