a day in the life

Recently I was tagged in a facebook thingy to share 7 photos from my day, no matter how dull they are. Um, excuse me, but I don't have dull days. Sometimes I pray for a dull day, and then I get bored and find something to do.

Today's to-do list had me panting before I went to bed last night, but you know what? It turned out pretty great. First order of business was waking up on time, and Titus made sure of that. I stumbled downstairs, found coffee, made breakfast, packed lunches, broke up fights, and headed out the door to get my fourth grader to the bus.

We were halfway down the driveway when I glanced at her for the first time. She was wearing a Goodwill t-shirt that boldly stated "TODAY IS MY LUCKY DAY". I think there were rhinestones involved. "Don't you have your Honor Society thing today?" I questioned, like the responsible mother that I am. Why can't I be that mom that lays out clothes the night before important events? Why can't I even THINK about the clothes the night before? SHOOT! 

She ran back inside the house, dug through a laundry basket in the living room and retrieved the newest little cotton dress I had grabbed for Easter Sunday. Please do not think that by Easter Sunday I mean white gloves and ruffles. This is literally a sleeveless cotton play dress and I was classy enough to pick up some glitter flip flops to match. I dutifully set them outside the bathroom door so she could slip into them and run.

Now halfway down the driveway again she tugged at her dress and wondered if it had shrunk in the wash. No, she had it on backwards. We continued to walk while I held her backpack and she spun the dress around herself. There it was: a giant coffee (?) splatter stain all down the front of the dress.

Winning.  

"Just hold your certificate up in front of your dress when it's your turn. No one will ever see that from the audience." Fashion advice from someone dressed like this: 

We approached the bus stop just in time to save some poor children from mortal ignorance. "Donuts are not a nutritious meal," sneered one little know-it-all kid. I told her to quit cussing.

"Umm, no, donuts are the best meal ever for you," I schooled. "There are umm, grains, and also fats, real fruit, and BACON. Plus you eat them with coffee, which is a bean."

"No, I don't think so. There's way too much sugar in them," she persisted in her ignorance. Kids these days! Are you even kidding me?

"No way! If there was too much sugar, they wouldn't taste good. There's just the right amount of sugar obviously, because donuts taste great!" I'm here for the donuts, guys. Never doubt this. Hopefully I was able to save some of the children listening from a lifetime of carb shaming. 

My daughter picked the moment before the bus pulled up to casually toss out that she forgot she was supposed to wear black today. I swore that I would find a black top that she could slip over her little dress and that would fix the stain issue anyway.

I hustled back down the street and hopped into the shower. While balancing to shave my legs I told Titus 19 times that I could not give him gum because I was naked and wet. He didn't think these were great excuses. I slid into a black dress as my sixth grader banged on the door and howled, "We need to leave NOW or I'll be late!!!!!!" 

I hollered back that she would rather I not be naked when I walked her to the bus stop and GEEZforthelovegivemeaminute. 

Are you stressed out yet, reader? Because I sure was! And you know what my husband was doing during all this? Eating breakfast with friends! OH! To be a man! Sheesh. I sure do love him, don't I? 

I questioned whether you could see my underwear through my dress and briefly considered polling the middle schoolers, but decided against it. My sixth grader assured me that I was dressed chastely. (Can you dress chastely? Is this a thing?) Anyway, this kid made it on the bus without any surprised. Whew.

I hauled it back home (again) and turned on cartoons for Titus so he would stop demanding gum from me while I had to quickly get ready for the day. Why is my kid so obsessed with gum???

Brent came home from his leisurely breakfast and thought it would be funny to jump around a dark corner and scare me. I slammed the door in his face like any good wife would do, and returned to my mascara. He really is a nice guy though, and located a black shirt for our child while helping me put my 5 thousand bags in the car. (Midwives carry a lot of bags. Women carry a lot of bags. Moms carry a lot of bags. Students carry a lot of bags. Wrap all that up into the fact that I don't know how my day is going to go, and there you have it: Five. thousand. bags.) Oh, he also informed me that you could in fact see my underwear through my dress, in the sweetest way. Guess what? I had some emergency leggings in one of my bags.

Winning.

I squealed into the school parking lot and impatiently waited to be let in. I tossed the shirt at the secretary and said that my daughter needed it urgently. Then I signed in and started down to the cafeteria to watch her induction into National Honor Society. I guess it's kind of a big deal? I saw her sitting up front, and realized I should have just brought the shirt with me. With five minutes until the ceremony was to start, I turned and went back to the office to retrieve the shirt. 

ONLY THE SHIRT WAS GONE. The secretary told me she got it. 

I went back to the cafeteria with approximate 4 minutes to spare and questioned via pantomime about the shirt. My daughter looked thoroughly confused, but to her credit, not embarrassed. I spun around and went back to the office where a different secretary informed me that the shirt had been sent up to her class room. I tried to remain aware that half the female school administration was standing there staring at me. I always feel like they are wondering if I'm newly sober or maybe if I'm a stripper in the evenings. I don't know why I feel this way because I'm always sober and as mentioned before, chastely dressed. 

I gave up and went back to the cafeteria and i just want you to see what I saw:

Not a dang kid was wearing black. And while she may have had a stained dress to wear, my child was one of the only ones that knew to sit with her knees together on the front row. That's all I'm going to say about that. 

I managed to get kicked out of three seats before I found one next to a nice old grandpa who chatted me up for a while before telling me to "Keep on keeping on". Right on, dude. 

My girl got her certificate for being smart and well behaved, and we both got cake. 

You know that movie, 27 Dresses? My friend Sarah recently showed up at my house with ice cream and homemade chocolate fudge sauce at 10 pm to watch it with me. This is the way to show up at my house. The night when she is going back and forth between two weddings all night, changing clothes in a cab and stuff? This is how I was starting to feel at this point. 

I left the school and headed to do prenatals at my preceptor's office. I adore my preceptors and thoroughly enjoy working with and learning from them two days a week doing prenatal care for mammas. I got there a tad bit late and jumped right in. Basically I do everything I can get away with while I'm there. If they think I can do it, I'm willing to try! We saw some mammas about ready to burst and some just starting out in their pregnancies, listened to baby heart beats, cooed at a newborn returning to visit, and trouble-shooted various things. 

I had to shoot out the door to go take my final three exams for my didactic portion of my learning at the local high school where my proctor's class room is. It's fun sitting in a high school classroom labeling vagina diagrams, let me tell you. One girls curiously asked me, "Umm, lady? What is it exactly that you.... do?" She also wondered if it involved blood and needles, since she was considering midwifery as a career path and hoping it did not involve blood and needles. Bless. 

My second visitor sticker of the day. I get around.

My second visitor sticker of the day. I get around.

It turns out that I don't stress over tests, but these three tests were causing me a great deal of anxiety. Mostly because one of the instructors likes to put stuff on the test that we never actually learned in class, and considers "short answer" to be two paragraphs. The other reason is because: math for health occupations. I'm actually really good at math, i just find it really offensive that I'm being tested on "Mikey needs 60 mg of this drug, and there are 20 mg per capsule, how many capsules should he take?" PEOPLE: I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO ANSWER STUPID QUESTIONS. The questions are so entirely asinine that I have to sit there and roll my eyes for ten seconds before I even begin to answer them. This is why I dropped out of school before, but also because I want to be a midwife REALLY SUPER BAD I am willing to endure this madness. 

I finished my three exams in an hour. I tried really hard to write sloppy so that maybe some of my "short answers" would lead my teacher to believe that I got the main concept and probably knew what I was talking about. C's Get Degrees. Mixed in with this was some texting back and forth with the sitter about whether or not Titus needed a nap. God help us, he is almost done with naps! 

I "changed dresses" again and jetted out to visit a mom who I had had the immense privilege of attending her birth just two days before. My preceptor met me there to supervise me. Haven't I been saying for YEARS that I need supervision?!? Finally someone gets it. We did a check up on mamma and sweet (gasy) baby, and a small victory for me that will make no difference to most of you reading this: I got my pulse ox machine to work!!!!! It's quite tricky, actually. And when you are trying to inform parents of whether or not their new tiny little precious baby has passed screening for heart defects, you sort of want to know what you are talking about. Whew! 

Can you believe my husband texted me at this point and asked what he should make for dinner? (See? I told you he was awesome!) Unfortunately, my plan for the evening was eggplant parmesan and he absolutely does not know how to prepare that. 

I made it home in time to hug kids and cook dinner! Look at me! So domesticated! 

Yes, i did put goat cheese in the eggplant parm. Yes, it was awesome. 

I left my sweet husband instructions on baking time and headed out to Zumba toning. Zumba toning is mostly hip-hop with a lot of body rolls (abs) and squats (glutes) and we use weights. I obstinately insist on using the heaviest weights and simultaneously hate myself for it every week. We sweat so much that mascara is dripping down our faces by the end of class. I love it.

My family had saved me the tiny bit of eggplant parm that was left and the kids were following up with bowls (and bowls) of cereal. I think we all have tape worms. 

I'm going to bed with my ringer on since we have a few moms within dates, and one in particular that would really love to have her baby tonight. 

Are you tired? I am.

Edited to add: I slept for approximately 2 hours before getting called out to a birth.